A Diamond In His Eyes

          I have to say that disappointment would probably be one of the top five worst feelings I've experienced. I haven't been disappointed many times in my life - actually, I don't think I've ever been genuinely disappointed more than 3 times in my life - but when I felt that way, it was discouraging even crushing! I don't know about you, but I felt like something dark and heavy had an affect on me - like as if a shadow came crawling into my body keeping me in a state of shock. My light was fading because I lost hope. 

Mostly, when I'm disappointed, it is with someone else. But sometimes I'm disappointed with myself. A voice says inside my head, 'I could have done that better' or, 'Why did you do that?' or, 'Why? You could do better'. Naturally, we are very critical of other people and so we are criticized virtually everyday. But our worse judge will always be ourself. It's important that we ask ourselves questions, such as the questions mentioned above, because they allow for reflection and give us the opportunity to adjust our standards and expectations of ourselves. And so I call this these questions 'Reflective questions'. But what about those questions that start to eat at our insides until we feel crippled, worthless, and until we feel like we are the villain. These questions are a way of criticizing ourselves to the point of self-destruction, and so I call them 'Critical questions'. Some examples of Critical questions:

'That's not good enough, how could you be so stupid?'

'Do you want to keep hurting your friends?'

'How could I treat him/her like that? I don't deserve him/her.'

The saying, "we are our own worst enemy" is so true.


Okay, so you get disappointed, you lose hope, and you become very critical of yourself, but what's so bad about that? It's not like it's a life-changing experience. 

No, the questions themselves are not a life-changing experience, but for me (and surely for other people) these questions left me in an emotional state where a life-changing experience could occur - and it wasn't pretty. 

I was confused, I wasn't sleeping well, I was failing at my relationships, and I was depressed. 'What am I?' I would ask myself. 'Am I nice? Am I good? Am I cool? Am I emo? Just make your mind up!' I wanted to fit in and be accepted. But mostly, and honestly, I wanted to be a better person. And so by self-questioning and reflective questioning I was falling into a method in which would bring on change.

And so I started to change myself. I was working on my manners. I was being kind to people and did my best not to criticize them, but hey! 'Who am I kidding, right? I can't do this. I'm not capable of changing. I'm a nobody!' - I started to criticize myself. I started to doubt, and because I listened to those critical questions in my mind I also started to lose hope. TROUBLE!

When you have doubt and no hope, you open yourself up to bullies. You even feel hurt by the people who care about you.

I was very confused in the early years of high school. I was bullied, I had been in abusive environments, and have seen some disturbing things. I was prone to find myself in a mess.  And a mess it was - I was a mess. I was in a dysfunctional relationship and depression was setting in. It was hard to fall asleep but then when I did get sleep I'd wake up from a nightmare. I cried a lot and I made a lot of mistakes. I harshly criticized myself to the extent that, when I look back now, it seems like I was torturing myself almost on purpose. 

All of this led up to huge events that have changed my life permanently. But now my past is behind me - in fact, there's not much I can remember. But those events also have strong side-effects. I'm still sensitive to certain issues and so I can become easily very emotional. Sometimes the nasty thought 'I am second-hand' creeps into my head, making me feel sad and used. I sometimes think that because of this, I will never have a first happy experience with my future husband. It's a very disheartening and depressing thought to have and I know that it's not true - these are the words of the enemy; not God. So this is what I tell myself:

Christ has forgiven me. The earth may see me as a worthless gem, but Jesus will always see me as his precious diamond because as said in Ephesians 5:27 "He did this to present her as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish." And that is exactly what I am - spotless in the eyes of Jesus, and that's all that matters.

Thanks,

Ness